What? I have ADHD!

Today is my first ADHD anniversary! I was diagnosed with ADHD on May 28, 2020. 

I am telling this story because I hope it helps someone else, like me thinking that they are dumb and incapable. I am a Christian. I believe we have an enemy who wants to keep us separated and feeling alone because that is where he can do his best work. Jesus wants us to put things in the light because there we find we are not alone, and healing can begin.      

So here is my story.

I was moving into a new position, and I would be the administrative assistant for several people. I got a little nervous. No, I got downright anxious about it. When I saw where I would be sitting, I thought I would throw up! Just being honest. It took everything in me not to burst into tears right on the spot. Big lump in the throat and all! I could see right away all the interruptions that would take place. All I could think was this would be a disaster. At the same time, I knew this was where the Lord had led me. I knew there would be good things but still also a disaster. I felt like running out of that building, yelling I quit, I can’t, I won’t, but I didn’t because I am not a quitter.  

I was very aware of my limits even before the official diagnosis. It took all my energy to manage what I suspected was ADHD, and I was unsuccessful! I was struggling. I was depressed. Kenneth was the only one who noticed or bothered to say anything to me about it. I have been through a lot of stress over the last several years. Later, in doing research, I found out that stress can make ADHD much worse. Some people can even become depressed from the toll of ADHD, plus a pandemic probably didn’t help either. I’m a people person.  

Kenneth and I had several conversations about my work change before it happened. After I told Kenneth about where my office was situated, we had several discussions over the next few days. He highly encouraged me for several weeks to get tested. So together, we decided it would be good for me to go through the testing process. I am so glad he kept encouraging me.   

The conversation went something like the following.

Kenneth - I don’t know how you will be able to handle all of that. I think you should get checked out.

Me - I know, but what if they say I should take medicine? I don’t want to be on medication. 

Kenneth - I think you should see. If you had diabetes, you would take medicine.

Me - But I really don’t want to take medication. I don’t want to lose my personality.

And other honest, authentic conversations I won’t include here. 

Most of my family and people who knew I was starting the process of being tested probably knew what the results would be. I didn’t tell a lot of people. I don’t know why. Maybe I didn’t want people to judge me or think I was faulty like they didn’t already know. Perhaps it was because there is a stereotype about ADHD people that isn’t good. I guess I was embarrassed and felt shame, and maybe we ADHDers take that on from society. If adults with ADHD who live good lives aren’t talking about it, how will other adults or kids with ADHD know they can live successful lives? Forgive my rabbit trail. Moving on.    

After taking his pre-test online, I met with the doctor over telemedicine due to a particular pandemic. He was super friendly. He took me through a questionnaire. When he told me I had ADHD, I was shocked by the H part. He also said that I had a very powerful brain and that ADHD is a smart person’s disorder. What?! A smart person’s disorder? When he said that, I started crying, and I am not a crier. I have felt so dumb my whole life. I make so many silly mistakes. How could I be smart? The struggles are real(before medication), like getting started on tasks, forgetfulness, trouble putting words together and speaking, talking to people like they knew what I was thinking before I started talking, calendar dates, and time blindness. Don’t even get me started trying to read and comprehend while your brain is going 1,000 words per second. Let me tell you, and the list is long. All of these things wore on my self-confidence but guess what? They can be managed. The doctor explained that those things happen because my brain doesn’t use certain chemicals the same way a neurotypical brain uses them. Wow! He also said, “ Your brain is very powerful. We need to slow it down so you can use it.” That made me laugh, and it makes me laugh every time I think of it.  

When I texted my family to let them know that the doctor had diagnosed me with ADHD, my youngest son asked me how I felt about it. I said I felt hopeful and didn’t want to use it as an excuse. I wanted to find out how I could improve. Isn’t that the best part of knowing yourself so you can improve?

I REALLY didn’t want to take medicine but decided to give it serious thought and prayer if the doctor suggested it. I tried different things like diet, supplements, and exercise, which helped, but it wasn’t enough for me.

After the initial visit and test, the doctor gave me another test or survey, and I had to pick one more person who was close to me to take the same test, so I chose my husband, Kenneth. I also had to take a computer test. Another person in my life took the same computer test, and we agreed it was challenging and exhausting. We even had a few chuckles over how hard we tried when taking it. I was trying so hard, which is often the self-talk of an ADHD person. I even had a natural energy drink before I took the test. It is a drink that helps me focus. Not what it is for, but that is how it helps me. It contains caffeine, neurotransmitter vitamins, and supplements, so I was cheating a little on the ADHD test! There it is. I admit it. Part of me wanted help, and a more significant part of me didn’t want to take medicine, so I was determined to rock that test. You see, I believed all the myths I had heard about medicine for ADHD until I started researching.

Once the last set of tests was completed and reviewed by the doctor, my husband and I met with him. It turns out I have a pretty significant case. He told me at a score of 50, they know a person had ADHD. He said, “Sheila, you scored an 87.”  Remember earlier I told you I drank a natural energy drink? I might have made a 100 without it. LOL! I figured I had it, but I wasn’t expecting the words “significant case.”  It seemed to get real at that point for some reason, like driving off from the gas pump with the nozzle still in my gas tank three times, leaving my car running all night or going back in my house 2 or 3 times or more every time I left, wasn’t enough. The “or”s could go on and on, but you get the idea. Those weren’t enough to know it was real and that I had a significant case. I crack myself up. 

I had always thought my ADHD was a gift. But here I was with the official diagnosis, and I felt a little grief and a lot of other mixed emotions. What would my life be like if I had just gone and taken care of this earlier? How would my family’s life be different? My kids turned out amazing despite their ADHD mom, thanks to the Lord. I didn’t stay in the regret place long. Remember, I have ADHD.

So after much thought, research, and a lot of praying, I decided to try medicine. It took about 8 to 10 weeks from the first test to get started on medication and a couple of months to get the correct dose. I also had to endure a pharmacy employee who didn’t understand the process of getting the dosage right and was condescending to me a couple of times. She treated me like I hadn’t done any research and didn’t need the medicine. I am sorry to include this negative story. I want you to know it might happen. There were a few hoops to jump through, but I am glad I jumped through them.  

So how did taking the medication go? Whew! I felt one or two steps away from drooling on myself the first few days I took medicine. I started on Sunday and slept all day. Monday, I think I was pretty much in slow motion, but I went to work. I didn’t tell them either. I was staring at my computer a lot, trying to think of something, hoping they wouldn’t notice. LOL! On Tuesday, I had a meeting where I was supposed to brainstorm, and nothing. I literally could not think of anything. No thoughts! By Wednesday, I called the doctor and told them I couldn’t do it. I was used to 1,000 thoughts a second going through my mind, and it was like my brain had turned itself off. It was taking a lot of effort to think of anything. I thought, if this is how neurotypical people think, this is awful and boring! “ I don’t like it,” I told them. I also felt a little nauseous when I ate. They told me to hang in there and that the way I was feeling would get better because my body was adjusting, and it did. I’m glad I didn’t quit!  

Before medication, I had already found ways to cope with ADHD before I knew I had it. I devised strategies to get through life, such as routines and systems. Even with those strategies, I have found medicine very helpful. The saying in the ADHD community is pills don’t teach skills. I still have to manage my ADHD, including prayer, nutrition, exercise, and getting enough sleep. Is everything perfect? No. Am I handling that new position okay? I think I am doing better than I would without medication. Does Kenneth know when I take a medicine break? Yes.  

As I discover more about ADHD, so many things make sense. My ADHD explains why boredom is my biggest fear. It explains why I need a creative outlet in my work and why I need to be working within my strengths. It explains why I need to be around supportive people, who see my strengths, and who will encourage me.   

So if you think you are the only one, you are not! There is nothing wrong with you. The things you struggle with can be managed. Our brains are created differently, and the way it uses certain chemicals is different. God created us like this for a reason. We have unique talents and gifts that other people don’t have. For instance, hyper-focus, where you can produce like no other, and there are so many more. YOU. ARE. NOT. BROKEN. You are a gift to this world!

With the official diagnoses and all the struggles I know now that come with ADHD, I still consider it a gift. ADHD is why I am creative, generous, intuitive, a risk-taker, spontaneous, entrepreneurial, driven, resilient, and compassionate. 

If you have any questions, I will gladly share what I have learned on this journey. Please reach out. I am passionate about helping others with ADHD or symptoms of ADHD.  

If you suspect that you might have it, I encourage you to get checked out by a medical professional specializing in ADHD. I can’t emphasize enough “who specializes in ADHD” because co-morbidities can also go along with it! Not everyone with ADHD will have a co-morbidity, but about fifty percent do. Getting a diagnosis doesn’t mean you have to take medicine, but you can better understand yourself.  

For all the ADHDers or maybe ADHDers out there, I want you to know that you are not alone.  

If you are interested, I started an ADHD group on Facebook. It is private and free. I would love to see you there!